As the elderly mutt has apparently decided to stay a while longer, I thought I’d resume transmissions. Where were we…? Ah, yes, the C-word. Here are a few choice definitions, all suitable for a Sunday.
Cartyfarty (adj): Descriptive of people with more money than sense who invest in works by certain artists. Overheard above the laughter on the way to Tracey Emin’s bank in 2003: “He bought my bed. My bed, for fuck’s sake. £250,000. Cartyfarty twat.”
1. (vb): To avoid buying a round by making sure you are always in the toilet at the crucial moment. Chadging is an established etiquette between fucking hippie bastards, and has gone beyond alcohol and drugs (“y’know, like, lay me on a bit until giro-day, yeah?”) and is now used in all aspects of hippie life. Recently, the Womad festival has had to toughen up its entrance laws after 100,000 fucking hippie bastards turned up, none of whom were part of the audience but all of whom had claimed free tickets because they were “working” in the healing tent or the Chakra re-alignment section. The result was that the staff area was overwhelmed by 48,657 adapted Ford Transit vans with flowers painted on the side and wood-burning chimneys installed, whilst the Levellers, Ozric Tentacles and The Orb played to a field filled with puzzled cattle.
2. (vb): To make use of anything that comes to hand in lieu of toilet paper, eg “I couldn’t get home because I had to chadge my ticket in the station lav.”
1 (adj, US): Of, or pertaining to, chenes. Specifically within surfer-parlance, which no one understands anyway. “That’s like, so duuuu-uh, y’know, like, rilly cheney, man, totally, y’now, bummer. Wipeout, dude.”
2 (n): A self-serving liar, attaining positions of great influence for the sole purpose of accruing personal wealth
3. (vb): To steal electricity from a neighbor, small business, or government entity until that home, business, or entity is sucked dry, for monetary or political gain. “Lisa cheneys from the elementary school for her soy candle Etsy shop.” “Ronald cheneyed from the orphanage to print flyers for his mayoral race.” (see also Cuntrunsoff)
Clart (n): When cooled, the jelly-like liquid that results from boiling a vat of old men’s handkerchiefs. No use has yet been found for this most renewable of resources although, for a brief period, it was thought to cure dandruff when massaged into the scalp, left for a day to harden, and then chipped off. As it took most of the hair with it, the problem was solved, though not usually to the sufferer’s satisfaction.
Codding (vb): Deliberately misusing grammar in such a way as to draw excess attention. From The Apprentice Semi-final (BBC Television 2012):
Sralan: Ooo was the projick mannijer this week?
Contestant: That would be myself, Sralan
Sralan: Wot ’appened then? Aaaa jer mess it up so bleedin bad?
Contestant: Well Sralan, I sent Tamwar and Gav down to the east end with strict instructions to report back to myself, but when they did report back to myself they lied about the red-shelf characteristic of the caravan demographic so I feel that, for myself, the buck might stop at myself, but it wasn’t myself that was at fault this week.
See also The X-Factor’s Louis Walsh. “I want to see you on that stage in that final and that song should be in those charts at the top of that hit parade by this Christmas…”
Usually, codding serves only to show the basic lack of education present in redbrick universities that nowadays provide the BBC with newsreaders who mistake a demeanour of gravitas with a good background in the classics: “Floods have decimated southern England over the last week.” when they really meant was devastated. This is not present in American newsreaders, who err on the side of the melodramatic and seldom attempt to use words with classical derivations: “Tornados smashed their way through southern Kansas today, wrecking dozens of trailer parks. A spokesman from Topeka said earlier ‘it was like the wraaath of Gaaaaaahd’”.
Conjery (n): The thing the banks did with our money over the last thirty years or so. Imagine if you will one of those old street hustles. You’re invited into an alleyway and asked to put a pound coin under one of three upside-down cups, which are then whisked around until the hustler gets to keep the money because you can’t guess where the coin’s gone. Except instead of the policeman running into the alley to break up all the hustling, he’s standing at the alley’s entrance making sure it carries on smoothly.
And the coin isn’t under any of the cups because the hustler has slipped it into his own pocket. Except one day he drops the coin and goes “waaaaaaa—aaaaah!” until the policeman reaches into his pocket and gives him another one and then makes up for it by charging people to come into the alley and then blaming them for playing the game in the first place.
Now multiply this by several trillion.
Corrempt (vb): To correct someone for a mistake before that mistake has been made. A cross between correct and pre-empt. Used mostly in political circles:
From the all-party political debate on BBC’s Panorama (June 2011):
Nick Clegg: For the Liberal Democrats, I believe the only way forward…
David Cameron: Nick, can I just corrempt you there. The real way forward is….
NB. Some of the definitions that have made me laugh most, even on fourth or fifth reading, are definitely not suitable for a Sunday, or most other times. If you want to read them, you’ll have to buy the book!