Jumping Jehosephat, it’s J!

Posted: February 19, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

J

 

(J,j) An underused letter, except by JK Rowling, who often uses it when signing autographs or dedicating books to little girls who will love her forever because of it. This letter scores eight points in Scrabble, and is therefore popular with linguists who can slap in onto the front of “Ocular” when there’s a spare triple word score space available at the board’s top left-hand corner, especially if they can spell out “Jonquil” going the other way.

Jaff (n): A musician who everyone thinks is cool and hip when he’s really so out of it he can’t even think. Named after Herman Jaff (1928-78) the German jazz bassist who set the world record for the longest pause during a a solo, of 4 hours 23 minutes, until someone noticed he had actually slipped into a coma.

Jarve (n): An indeterminate hybrid dance favoured by those who can’t hear a beat or move in a rhythmic fashion. It consists largely of bouncing up and down and wildly swinging a partner’s arms so that everyone within six feet gets elbowed, kicked or knocked over. Jarvers aren’t popular on the dance circuit, being oblivious to any nuisance or injury they are inflicting. Even Morris enthusiasts can’t stand them, and that’s saying something.

Jassern 

1 (vb): To deliberately misspell your offspring’s name in a vain attempt to look cool. See children’s author Stephenie Meyer or Big Brother contestant Sezer (pron. Caesar). The word jassern derives from the original name of Jason Donovan, who was originally christened Jassern Donervan by his father, a semi-literate Australian mobile fast-food vendor. This level of intelligence was soon passed on to British reality TV stars. Jade Goody’s mother, Jackiey, when asked whether to spell her name with an IE or a Y, replied: “boaf. Nyaaaaaaaa-haaa-haaaha-haaar!”, thereby lowering the UK’s overall cultural quotient significantly in only a few seconds.

2 (n): A musical style much favoured by middle-aged air guitarists.

Jephlery (n): The practice of naming a child, or spelling its name differently, to sound posh. Thus ‘Jeffrey’ or ‘Geoffrey’ would be spelt ‘Jephrey’ and ‘Karen’ might be spelt ‘Caren’ and pronounced ‘Car-run’. The opposite of Jassern.

The first person to guess which letter comes next will win the chance to buy a copy of Hand-Knitted Electricity.

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