I spy with my little i…

Posted: February 18, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I

(I,i) Once an entire jumble of lines and circles, the letter I has been slimmed down to a single line by the ingestation of Hi-Fibre, Lo-fi bran-based fad diets, steroids, cocaine and amphetamines. Professor Millicent Navratilova of Oxford University’s department of Lesbians describes I as indicative of an alphabet gone mad in a world held in thrall by celebrity culture, and says that letters should be proud of their shape like the number 8, pointing out that whilst numbers appear to celebrate their curves, letters in comparison sulk in angularity.

Inchbotting (n): The homosexual molestation of dwarves. George Michael and Marc Almond were arrested on Hampstead Heath for inchbotting on September 12th 1983. Their successful defence (“I thought he was Elton”) was accepted by the court due to the moonless darkness of the night in question, but undisclosed damages were paid to Truman Capote in relation to the incident, and it is rumoured that Capote never fully recovered.

Itaprmont

1. (n): A type of beachwear favoured by elderly rock stars and fading supermodels that somehow manages to cover all their cosmetic surgery scars and injection bruises whilst revealing their sagging flesh to a nauseating extent. Donnatella Versace’s face was the first itaprmont, the name coming from the unintelligible expression she attempted to utter through lips that had become immobile from botox.

2. (n): An exclamation of disgust at finding one’s mouth full of Battenburg.

Buy Hand-Knitted Electricity here. Your gran will love it.

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Comments
  1. Annecdotist says:

    hi Sue, come to your blog via you write on. My favourite thing about i is that it’s the square root of minus one which is the most profoundly bonkers thing in the universe, and it’s real.
    good luck with your project – how are you going to celebrate the letter M? Halfway through the alphabet!

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