H. More than a television aerial.

Posted: February 17, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , , , , ,


(H, h) A letter that doubles as a goalpost in rugby and other gay sports like American Football and something about Australian Rules, this letter is unavailable in Spanish, which uses the letter J instead, especially during long-distance expectoration contests or when hissing back at cats.

Harpong (N, Aus): the opposite of MILF. This word is slowly spreading into the western world from Australia, following Gillian McKeith’s appearance in I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here in December 2010, and Fatima Whitbread’s participation the following year. Harpong is an ancient Aboriginal expression found on the Songlines between Adelaide and Brisbane. Roughly translated, it means “She who resembles a dingo’s armpit”.

In the civilized world, a recent internet article has revealed that Gillian McKeith is exactly the same age as Nigella Lawson. McKeith, a prominent vegetablist who subsists on roots, berries, earth, gravel and twigs, has been compared with Lawson (whose diet consists of chocolate, goose fat, red wine, cream and roast swan), and the resulting comparison has sent Weight-Watchers shares into a tailspin whilst adding billions to the value of companies such as Cadbury’s, Hershey and McDonalds.

Other famous Harpongs include Sarah Jessica Parker who, according to outspoken British motorist Jeremy Clarkson, “looks like a boiled horse.”


1. (n): The collection of urban detritus that resides in the root systems of those scrubby lines of greenery that cling to some kind of marginal existence around drive-thru restaurants. Hedgefester usually comprises burger boxes, soft drink tins, cigarette ends, used condoms and plastic carrier bags that have become little more than shreds on the wind that are caught up in the lower branches of something that looks like a scruffy dwarf privet. The hedgefester has usually been stained a uniform shade of brownish-grey by chimps in modified Vauxhall Corsas with exhausts the size of coal scuttles waiting in queues for something of low nutritional value and a side of fries. Some hedgefesters have been granted artistic status by the Tate Modern, and have been known to inspire sub-genres of urban realism in poetry.

2. (n): The type of person who hides behind thick hedges outside schools masturbating furiously as the children pass by. This type of hedgefester is not generally accorded artistic status, and may feature on the national sex offenders’ register. Hedgefesters are sometimes discovered by the parents of primary school pupils and given summary justice using bolt-cutters.

Henchwillow A traditional folk quadrille based on a combination of Morris dancing, alcohol abuse and mindless violence. With really gay costumes.

Hmpage (n): The technical name for the little flap on the top right or top left of a book’s page that you create when you fold it over to mark your place.

NB. In literary fiction this is known as an hmfolio.

Hocklefink (n): A Yiddish term of abuse for a corrupt pawnbroker.

Hodgefent (n): The soggy middle of an undercooked sponge or suet pudding, fought over as a delicacy at school dinners during the mid twentieth century, along with the skin off the custard (the crebb), which could reach a thickness of half an inch on a good day.

Hontrel (n, botan.): a tiny mushroom that grows between the toes of princesses, specially cultivated for the hallucinogenic effects produced when ingested by their suitors. Thus even the most horse-faced royal virgin can be sure of attracting a mate with whom to continue the line.


1 (n): The ability of some bass guitarists to play their instrument despite the fact that in an effort to look cool, they’ve hung it so low that it’s down by their ankles and thus almost beyond the reach of their fingers. Krist Novoselic off of Nirvana was the best-known example of a hudgepecker

2 (n): A gentle teasing of the nether regions of the adolescent male, commonly on the back row of the local flea-pit.

The number of H-word definitions would normally warrant a second or even third day, but I am going to get meaner with them from now on. Why not order a copy of Hand-Knitted Electricity and cut out the middle man?



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