Posted: February 15, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , , ,


(G,g) G is for gonorrhea, which is harder to spell than it is to catch.


Gaar (exclam): An expression of extreme frustration when you suddenly get overwhelmed with the need to park your fudge during adverse circumstances – when circling the moon in a spacesuit, when dressed in eighteen layers of thermal clothing in the Antarctic, when halfway up the north face of the Eiger, half way through a marathon with a televised audience of millions or in the middle of receiving a blowjob from a Polish whore in a truckstop to the east of Krakow. At this point you realise that there will have to be some compromise to your state of personal hygiene or a permanent reappraisal of your public image or a brief interruption to your sex-life while you hang your arse out the window of your DAF and hope there’ll be a window-cleaning orphan somewhere near Minsk who’ll be willing to wash it off later for a small remuneration.

Garfleflake (n): a small piece of smegma secreted beneath the foreskin of a male porn star (see also Helmetdale, monk’s chunks, bell-end brie) which pops out and lodges in the tonsils of his leading lady, making her gag at exactly the wrong moment, causing a blowback within the male reproductive organ that often requires surgery and can cause trauma to the actor, often necessitating early retirement.

“What the hell happened to you?”
“Garfleflaked by Linda Lovelace. Tell ya, buddy, instead of coming, I went.”
-reputed dialogue between Russ Meyer and John Holmes, 1989

In 1993, the pornography industry’s health and safety executive called in Professor Gordon Sumner’s research team at the City University of Newcastle upon Tyne to undertake empirical studies into the phenomenon of garfleflaking. Head researcher Dr Darren “Daz the dog” Rimmer spent two years working extensively on the subject in Amsterdam, Los Angeles and the Far East. His findings resulted in the invention of bukkake – the withdrawal of sexual contact at the point of ejaculation (The jester’s toes moment).The leading lady was generally so grateful that she would smile, gurn and give verbal encouragement to the male protagonist to empty his testicles in her general direction. Many viewers of pornography are under the misapprehension that when the leading lady says: “Ooh yeah, baby, give it to me, big boy,” they are acting in such a way that would preclude mainstream Hollywood careers despite the enormity of their breasts, but they fact is that they really mean it.

Garze (n): A fine but prickly material made from glass fibre, designed to line the underpants of the Catholic clergy for the express purpose of limiting activity therein. Due to recent allegations of child abuse, two new grades have been added to the original ‘Super-Garze’ – ‘Bloodbath’ and ‘A&E’. A priest’s stipend now includes a dozen fresh pairs per quarter, some of the pain-inflicting barbs being damaged over time by modern detergents. A team of inspectors has been recruited to police the wearing of these garments, affectionately known as the ‘Spot-check’ Squad. Underwear lined with garze is also used by nuns seeking to toughen their crebbs.

Ginkly (adv): Playfully, with intent to amuse. Example: ‘Ginkly, she hid his cellphone in a pile of his own vomit.’

Glart (vb): To fortuitously pass noxious wind in the presence of your enemy.

Gletch (vb): To look with amorous intent at another man’s testicles.

With so many garrulous Gs to choose from, it is inevitable that a second day of glory will follow. Or you can buy a copy of Hand-Knitted Electricity and gripple at leisure.


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