What the F—?

Posted: February 13, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , , , ,


(F, f) Is for fuck, felching and fellatio, so it’s no surprise that the letter is the subject of an ongoing ASBO and wears an electronic tag on a permanent basis. Speaking recently, F said “Yo, bruv, innit, like it ain’t my fuckin fault yeah? Every man hate me, they pussy-cute me, ’cept Eminem, he tha man, innit?”

Faldriddle (n): A convoluted tale of local folklore regaled by an eccentric local as a ploy to get the tourist to buy the next round.


1. (n): The semi-apocryphal basin-and-range topography featured in Cormac McCarthy novels, where several thunderstorms can be seen occurring at once, views extending 250 miles are not uncommon, switchback trails into Mexican mountains can take several days to ascend and shadows become detached from their sources. Because of this latter phenomenon, the Walt Disney Corporation is suing the Coen Brothers for the plagiarism of ideas from Peter Pan. In a scene from No Country for Old Men which Disney attorneys insisted be deleted, Anton Chigurh is seen being helped to sew his shadow back onto the soles of his feet by a small English girl in a high-waisted nightdress. In return, Chigurh shoots the little girl in the face, but for the rest of the film he is seen repeatedly checking his boots to make sure his shadow is still attached.

2. (n): A natural kiln of dangerous heat – also known as a dutch oven.

The young man was brave indeed, but his courage veered into recklessness when he attempted to rim old Mrs Bates shortly after her morning porridge. His face was farged to such an extent the beauties of the shire could barely regard it without expressing pity or disdain, or most often a cruel combination of the two. 

– From Sense and Sensibilty, Jane Austen

Felze (n): A loud fat blonde who turns up on celebrity reality shows although nobody has heard of her. Urban felzes can also be seen pushing prams towards Greggs.


1 (vb): To use popular culture and the media to help persuade yourself that an opinion you hold is rational. The Daily Mail exists solely to fermise the stupid. See also publicans, off-license managers and tobacconists decrying drug addiction, McDonalds franchisees extolling the virtues of a healthy diet and Coleen Rooney describing herself as “a journalist”.

Psychologists have recognised that antifermisation is a notable part of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). That feeling you get when you suddenly realise that for a short moment you’ve found yourself in agreement with an opinion held by the Daily Mail, Sarah Palin, Iain Duncan-Smith or Jeremy Clarkson, and in consequence feel rather grubby and want to wash your mind out with Cillit Bang and then scrub it with a scourer for about a week. ODD sufferers feel that way about absolutely everything.

2 (vb): To conclude that home brew is ready to drink based on how thirsty you are.

Flaptan (n): An unfortunate consequence of nude sunbathing.

With so many effing Fs to choose from, I will make it a two-day event. If you can’t wait for all the other letters, of which there are a surprising number, you can buy Hand-Knitted Electricity here.

  1. hah, weird and funny piece

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