E. By gum!

Posted: February 12, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , , ,


(E,e) A vowel that occurs three times in the word “Cheese”, the letter E has been permanently stymied by this association and the misapprehension that it smells. The letter has attempted suicide on no less than sixteen occasions, and linguistic experts now suggest it be sectioned for its own good and because of the state our language would find itself in without it. As the alphabet’s most popular and most highly paid letter, it is believed that stress has played a great part in E’s situation. Psychiatrists have told E that at least it doesn’t appear in fart, shit or tramp, but it doesn’t seem to do E a lot of good. In a break from tradition, E’s latest analyst has told the letter to “just get the fuck over it.”

Hand-Knitted Electricity_Cover_MEDIUMEbbulence 

1. (n): The act of moving backwards while maintaining a conversation, either through extreme shyness or, more often, the reaction of one party to the other’s invasion of personal space, body odour or foul breath.

2. (n): The feeling of joy one obtains from having a bowel movement after a sustained period of constipation


1. (n): A self-proclaimed expert who is treated with awe and toe-curling obsequiousness despite knowing a negligible amount about his chosen area of expertise.

2. (n): A board game of words and numbers designed to diagnose dementia in a fun way. The game is rarely completed.

Elther (vb): To feign chummy familiarity with a complete stranger up till you get what you want. Some professions rely on well developed elthering skills, e.g. politicians and used car salesmen. The ability to elther is also part of the wired-in mindset of fucking hippie bastards.

Eltonhurtle (n, sci): The Eltonhurtle, or lividity index (LI), measures the speed at which a human can hurtle from calm to apoplexy when faced with adverse circumstances. Research at the Social Studies Department of the City University of Newcastle upon Tyne suggests that both men and women seek a partner with a slow LI. NHS statistics indicate that managing one’s LI is a vital part of preventing violence and abuse within relationships. Homeopathic remedies, as usual, made fuck all difference, and drugs were considered too expensive for mass consumption. As such, lividity improvement management programmes, or LIMPS, were rolled out as part of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy in order to reduce violence throughout Britain.

To publicise this, the Hurtle Quotient (HQ) of over one thousand British celebrities was measured over thirteen episodes of Britain’s Got Tantrums in 2007. The winning celebrity, the one with the fastest HQ, then had the dubious honour of having the term named after them in recognition of the shortness of their fuse. It is rumoured that the betting industry lost tens of millions of pounds overnight when the favourite won.


1 (n): a little-practiced sexual deviation, comprising an excessive intake of laxatives an hour before anal penetration. Not recommended in a confined space.

2 (n, malaprop.): An example of a twenty-first century American malapropism of the type used when people of limited intelligence try to express themselves in medical terminology:

“Bubba ain’t gettin no milk cos I cain’t get a exlaxation like I used to could.”
– LaToyota Rimmer, outpatient at the Watts Breast-Feeding Centre, Los Angeles, November 2009. See also: “Were you wounded in the fracas, Madam?” “Nope, ’bout six inches above it.”

  1. Patsy says:

    My granddad learned that E was the most commonly used letter so whenever he didn’t know how to spell something (which happened quite a lot) he used an E, assuming that had the best chance of being correct.

    When my gran had twins he registered their births. They’ve forgiven him now.

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