D is for Dog. And Dogging.

Posted: February 11, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , ,

D

(D, d) May stand for demise, death, depression, depth and despair, but it also stands for dog, so that’s all right then

Dabrigate (vb): To give dangerously reckless directions to avoid seeming clueless. Not many people know that the death toll at Pompeii was much higher than it should have been because a dabrigating centurion sent evacuees in the wrong direction for fear of looking a prat.

Dannyfanny 

1. (n, medic): An artificial vagina created for transgender patients who are changing from male to female. The vagina is made by turning the penis inside out and reinforcing it with Elastane before pushing it inside the body cavity. The equivalent surgery for creating a female-to-male organ consists of detaching the vagina from the fallopian tubes, pulling it into the open and stuffing it with sausagemeat, which has to be changed on a daily basis through the ‘urethral’ opening. The resulting ‘penis’ is known as a millywilly. Special splinted condoms, nicknamed ‘millywillyspills’, are used to simulate erection.

2. (n, Scot): The sort of Glaswegian who actually goes to hospital when suffering from a heart attack, as opposed to just shutting the fuck up and punching himself in the chest until it goes away. See also (n, US): A farmer from Wisconsin who cuts his arm off in a baler and goes to the ER like some kind of girl instead of waiting till the drugstore opens next day and popping in for some Elastoplast.

Disfargleblast (n,): The exact opposite of bullshit, bollocks, doublespeak, techno-crap, political correctness, management-talk, eulogy, platitudes, bombast, advertising language, patronisation, blagging, blurb, or politics. Here are some examples:

Advert-speak: New L’Oreal Plenitude uses nutra-ceramides to fight the seven signs of ageing, concentrating on the facial wrinkle-zones and using its built-in skin-sensitive receptors to identify and attack dry or oily skin.

Disfargleblast: It’s a fifty-quid bottle of slimy beige shite that cost 25p to make and you’re a fucking idiot. Thanks for all the money.

Bombast: Sir Elton is a fabulous musician who has contributed more over a longer period to the singer-songwriter and showman genres than almost any other figure in popular culture.

Disfargleblast: Fat Reg is a hissy little poof who writes shit for twats.

Political speak: Sir Tony Blair is one of Britain’s elder statesman now – a canny and sensitive politician who changed the face of Great Britain and whose lovely wife graced the covers of many an aspirational magazine.

Disfargleblast: Blair is a lying, conniving, opportunist, arse-licking war-criminal who lied his way to the top and whose wife is a scrawny old boiler with a mouth like a letterbox with teeth.

Political correctness: Lady Germaine Greer worked hard for equality for minority groups over a long and distinguished career.

Disfargleblast: Greer is a miserable old tennis fan with a face you could grate lemons on who’s surrounded herself with lezzers and frustrated old hags in order to feel better about herself.

Management speak: We need to up the red-shelf capabilities of the salaried demographic in order to maximise output and profit potential.

Disfargleblast: You’re fired. Fuck off.

Blurb: Dan Brown’s new book is a non-stop rollercoaster of excitement and edge-of-the-seat tension, leaving the reader breathless with wonder at the secret truth that will shatter your world if it’s ever released!

Disfargleblast: Oh no, not again.

Eulogy: Sir Cliff Richard was a man whose standards never slipped and who extolled the values of a world that’s sadly disappeared now. His morals were as impeccable as his virtues were noble, and he will be sadly missed by all genuine music fans worldwide.

Disfargleblast: He was a God-bothering cunt and he’s probably up in heaven doing St Peter up the wrong ’un. What do you mean, still alive? Fuck.

Technospeak: For ease of installation, press the ENTER button at the command prompt and follow the simple onscreen instructions.

Disfargleblast: Do you have a degree in software engineering? Because you’re going to fucking need it. What do you mean, it won’t work? Have you tried prayer?

Bullshit: Jack Russell terriers make wonderful pets. Their adorable little eyes are full of intelligence and they are easy to train and a pleasure to own.

Disfargleblast: A Tesco carrier bag, a brick and a fast-flowing stream would be useful right about now.

Blagging: Honestly, that dress looks great on you, and I do love the way you’ve done your hair tonight.

Disfargleblast: Look, if you don’t fancy a fuck, could you at least lie down while I have one?

Dramp (n): A person whose company you strenuously avoid at dinner parties because they are either a Christian, a teetotaler, a former member of the Bullingdon Club or a militant animal-loving, tree-hugging, environmentally-aware coffee-table-leftie fucking vegan hippie bastard. Indeed, the term finisterra is occasionally used to describe the nimble footwork dance undertaken by other party guests to avoid sitting either next to or directly opposite a dramp. Famous dramps include Cliff Richard, Ned Flanders, Boris Johnson, Gillian McKeith, Mr Sting or Bonio off of U2. The origins of the word itself appear to come from a contraction of the words “damp tramp”, a person whose aroma traditionally causes bystanders to effect a finisterra in order to avoid having to stand downwind.

Drog (n): Usually applied to the human male, a drog is a cross between a dog (thinks himself a success with the ladies) and a drongo (a brainless twat in scant control of his moving parts). Jeremy Clarkson is the current alpha drog, having usurped Boris Johnson after the blond babyman introduced Boris Bikes in London.

For more delightful Ds, you can buy Hand-Knitted Electricity here.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s