Archive for February, 2013

L-O-L!

Posted: February 21, 2013 in Humour
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L

(L,l) A letter extremely popular with the Welsh and in Catalan regions of north-east Spain. It is believed that the letter was invented by Salvador Dali in 1931 to set him apart from Welsh people called Dai, but the invention resulted in a fistfight between Dali and Picasso, which eventually led to the Spanish Civil War

Linidinian (n, mus.) The technical name for the little drum roll and cymbal bash used to emphasise the punch lines of really bad comedians who are desperately attempting to hold the attention of a stag party crowd as they wait for the stripper.

Lockstormworthy 

1 (adj): Descriptive of a tornado-belt trailer-caravan which has been rendered stormproof by virtue of having been pre-destroyed before building. The trailer is constructed in the form of a half-mile trail of debris, and it’s inhabitants, Bud, LaDestiny and the twins, Bubba and Bubba, are then humanely destroyed and reported missing. The saving in food stamps, welfare payments and rehousing costs can then be pumped back into society and given back to the banks for re-investment. For more details, see the Wicked Witch Trading Company Inc website at We’reNotInKansasAnymore.com.

2 (n): An ecologically sound chastity belt, lightweight and biodegradable, yet capable of withstanding assault by an entire battalion of stormtroopers.

Lychinhampton (n, prop): A botanical garden just a short walk away from Kew which is less well-known because it produces only rude and disgusting fruit and vegetables and as such entry is restricted to the over-18s.

The Lychinhampton courgette-and-double-artichoke combination can be found next to the enormous pear and the gigantic set of melons. Lychinhampton Bananas are trained to grow straight and maintain an angle that juts a little above the horizontal. They are situated next to the burst figs. Cucumbers dangle among the soft peaches, and there are private cubicles available to couples who become overwhelmed with the whole Carry On Nature thing.

Lychinhampton also holds unofficial dogging evenings in the car park (First and third Tuesdays – in the summerhouse if wet).

Hand-Knitted Electricity_Cover_MEDIUMNB. From now on, extracts will be posted weekly. If you can’t wait that long, you can get ahead of the crowds by buying Hand-Knitted Electricity. Don’t forget to buy a spare copy for the birthday you always forget until it’s too late. Or for Mother’s Day, 10th March. Don’t get caught with your pants down again this year!

Special K

Posted: February 20, 2013 in Humour
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K

(K,k) K is an insidious letter, often used to give some innocent sounding word overtones of Eastern European totalitarianism – see atomik, Amerika, Kalifornia and Ku Klux Klan. Children in the UK are not allowed to use the letter K until secondary school.  A campaign was instigated by Senator Eugene McCarthy in the late 1950s to banish the letter from the alphabet for being un-American, but the plan was quietly shelved after McCarthy was discovered stamping on kittens in the Ambassador suite of the Riot Hyatt in Los Angeles during the gubernatorial primaries just after Labour Day 1962.

 

Ker-Splunk (n, prop): A game popular in modern dogging circles. The idea is that a group of gentlemen drop their car keys into a bowl of fresh semen and their wives fish them out one at a time with their teeth. Whoever owns the car keys then has to lick the woman’s face clean before driving home alone and in tears. The game was first popularised in Eighteenth century Austria, where, under the auspices of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, rich members of the gentry were encouraged to drop their horse-bridles into barrels of tepid semolina and their wives were ordered to fish them out using only their mouths. The unfortunate owner of the horse was then forced to watch while someone else rode his wife home instead.

Kleap (n, prop): A combined toilet and bidet, invented in 1877 by Klaus Kleap of Hamburg. The system pumped water upwards after receiving a deposit, therefore cleaning the user’s behind, but went disastrously wrong when the prototype was demonstrated at the Klingerhöfen Science Festival. Unfortunately it pumped the raw sewage back up the anus of Count Otto Von Strumm, who had volunteered for the demonstration. After several months of recuperation the Count recovered but was forever after referred to as being “full of shit”. Kleap retired from inventing in disgrace and died in poverty some years later.

Want more? Get it here.

J

 

(J,j) An underused letter, except by JK Rowling, who often uses it when signing autographs or dedicating books to little girls who will love her forever because of it. This letter scores eight points in Scrabble, and is therefore popular with linguists who can slap in onto the front of “Ocular” when there’s a spare triple word score space available at the board’s top left-hand corner, especially if they can spell out “Jonquil” going the other way.

Jaff (n): A musician who everyone thinks is cool and hip when he’s really so out of it he can’t even think. Named after Herman Jaff (1928-78) the German jazz bassist who set the world record for the longest pause during a a solo, of 4 hours 23 minutes, until someone noticed he had actually slipped into a coma.

Jarve (n): An indeterminate hybrid dance favoured by those who can’t hear a beat or move in a rhythmic fashion. It consists largely of bouncing up and down and wildly swinging a partner’s arms so that everyone within six feet gets elbowed, kicked or knocked over. Jarvers aren’t popular on the dance circuit, being oblivious to any nuisance or injury they are inflicting. Even Morris enthusiasts can’t stand them, and that’s saying something.

Jassern 

1 (vb): To deliberately misspell your offspring’s name in a vain attempt to look cool. See children’s author Stephenie Meyer or Big Brother contestant Sezer (pron. Caesar). The word jassern derives from the original name of Jason Donovan, who was originally christened Jassern Donervan by his father, a semi-literate Australian mobile fast-food vendor. This level of intelligence was soon passed on to British reality TV stars. Jade Goody’s mother, Jackiey, when asked whether to spell her name with an IE or a Y, replied: “boaf. Nyaaaaaaaa-haaa-haaaha-haaar!”, thereby lowering the UK’s overall cultural quotient significantly in only a few seconds.

2 (n): A musical style much favoured by middle-aged air guitarists.

Jephlery (n): The practice of naming a child, or spelling its name differently, to sound posh. Thus ‘Jeffrey’ or ‘Geoffrey’ would be spelt ‘Jephrey’ and ‘Karen’ might be spelt ‘Caren’ and pronounced ‘Car-run’. The opposite of Jassern.

The first person to guess which letter comes next will win the chance to buy a copy of Hand-Knitted Electricity.

I

(I,i) Once an entire jumble of lines and circles, the letter I has been slimmed down to a single line by the ingestation of Hi-Fibre, Lo-fi bran-based fad diets, steroids, cocaine and amphetamines. Professor Millicent Navratilova of Oxford University’s department of Lesbians describes I as indicative of an alphabet gone mad in a world held in thrall by celebrity culture, and says that letters should be proud of their shape like the number 8, pointing out that whilst numbers appear to celebrate their curves, letters in comparison sulk in angularity.

Inchbotting (n): The homosexual molestation of dwarves. George Michael and Marc Almond were arrested on Hampstead Heath for inchbotting on September 12th 1983. Their successful defence (“I thought he was Elton”) was accepted by the court due to the moonless darkness of the night in question, but undisclosed damages were paid to Truman Capote in relation to the incident, and it is rumoured that Capote never fully recovered.

Itaprmont

1. (n): A type of beachwear favoured by elderly rock stars and fading supermodels that somehow manages to cover all their cosmetic surgery scars and injection bruises whilst revealing their sagging flesh to a nauseating extent. Donnatella Versace’s face was the first itaprmont, the name coming from the unintelligible expression she attempted to utter through lips that had become immobile from botox.

2. (n): An exclamation of disgust at finding one’s mouth full of Battenburg.

Buy Hand-Knitted Electricity here. Your gran will love it.

H

(H, h) A letter that doubles as a goalpost in rugby and other gay sports like American Football and something about Australian Rules, this letter is unavailable in Spanish, which uses the letter J instead, especially during long-distance expectoration contests or when hissing back at cats.

Harpong (N, Aus): the opposite of MILF. This word is slowly spreading into the western world from Australia, following Gillian McKeith’s appearance in I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here in December 2010, and Fatima Whitbread’s participation the following year. Harpong is an ancient Aboriginal expression found on the Songlines between Adelaide and Brisbane. Roughly translated, it means “She who resembles a dingo’s armpit”.

In the civilized world, a recent internet article has revealed that Gillian McKeith is exactly the same age as Nigella Lawson. McKeith, a prominent vegetablist who subsists on roots, berries, earth, gravel and twigs, has been compared with Lawson (whose diet consists of chocolate, goose fat, red wine, cream and roast swan), and the resulting comparison has sent Weight-Watchers shares into a tailspin whilst adding billions to the value of companies such as Cadbury’s, Hershey and McDonalds.

Other famous Harpongs include Sarah Jessica Parker who, according to outspoken British motorist Jeremy Clarkson, “looks like a boiled horse.”

Hedgefester

1. (n): The collection of urban detritus that resides in the root systems of those scrubby lines of greenery that cling to some kind of marginal existence around drive-thru restaurants. Hedgefester usually comprises burger boxes, soft drink tins, cigarette ends, used condoms and plastic carrier bags that have become little more than shreds on the wind that are caught up in the lower branches of something that looks like a scruffy dwarf privet. The hedgefester has usually been stained a uniform shade of brownish-grey by chimps in modified Vauxhall Corsas with exhausts the size of coal scuttles waiting in queues for something of low nutritional value and a side of fries. Some hedgefesters have been granted artistic status by the Tate Modern, and have been known to inspire sub-genres of urban realism in poetry.

2. (n): The type of person who hides behind thick hedges outside schools masturbating furiously as the children pass by. This type of hedgefester is not generally accorded artistic status, and may feature on the national sex offenders’ register. Hedgefesters are sometimes discovered by the parents of primary school pupils and given summary justice using bolt-cutters.

Henchwillow A traditional folk quadrille based on a combination of Morris dancing, alcohol abuse and mindless violence. With really gay costumes.

Hmpage (n): The technical name for the little flap on the top right or top left of a book’s page that you create when you fold it over to mark your place.

NB. In literary fiction this is known as an hmfolio.

Hocklefink (n): A Yiddish term of abuse for a corrupt pawnbroker.

Hodgefent (n): The soggy middle of an undercooked sponge or suet pudding, fought over as a delicacy at school dinners during the mid twentieth century, along with the skin off the custard (the crebb), which could reach a thickness of half an inch on a good day.

Hontrel (n, botan.): a tiny mushroom that grows between the toes of princesses, specially cultivated for the hallucinogenic effects produced when ingested by their suitors. Thus even the most horse-faced royal virgin can be sure of attracting a mate with whom to continue the line.

Hudgepeckery: 

1 (n): The ability of some bass guitarists to play their instrument despite the fact that in an effort to look cool, they’ve hung it so low that it’s down by their ankles and thus almost beyond the reach of their fingers. Krist Novoselic off of Nirvana was the best-known example of a hudgepecker

2 (n): A gentle teasing of the nether regions of the adolescent male, commonly on the back row of the local flea-pit.

The number of H-word definitions would normally warrant a second or even third day, but I am going to get meaner with them from now on. Why not order a copy of Hand-Knitted Electricity and cut out the middle man?

 

More Gs. Not too many, mind, otherwise there’d be no point in buying the book!

Gluttic (n, vb): One who is addicted yet allergic to foods high in gluten. Gluttics can be seen skulking outside Dunkin’ Donuts or Greggs before dawn, desperate for their first ‘gluttfix’ of the day. There is no known cure for this syndrome and at a certain point, when the gluttic becomes bedridden, it is necessary to employ a ‘gluttex’ to eat and regurgitate to order. Gluttexes often become gluttics themselves, thus providing employment for a new generation of unskilled school-leavers.

Gorzlefluck (n): A vegetable of accidental obscenity that belongs in a special section at Lynchinhampton Botanical Gardens. A parsnip that looks like two wide-open legs, a mango with nipples, a carrot with genitalia or a lady’s parts of shame delineated on the external minge of a coconut, perhaps. Such vegetables used to feature in the Cyril Fletcher section of That’s Life, until Cyril Fletcher became a gorzlefluck himself.

Grisham (n, Scot): An inedible piece of food. Fruit or vegetables for example.

“Whit the fuck’s this shite?”
“Eat yir fuckin grishams or ye’ll no huv any puddn.”
“Ah’m no fuckin eatin this pish.”
“Mon ahead, ya fuckin wide cunt, ye. Fuckin eat it or ye’ll nae grow ap like yir paw.”
“Paw’s in the fuckin jile.”
“Mibbe he fuckin is, but he’ll be oot fir yir sixth birthday. Ah’ve telt ye, eat yir fuckin grishams or ah’ll fuckin panel yis.”

Grolly (n): A green slimy substance found hanging from the noses of leprechauns.

Gullish 

1. (adj): The way you feel when an accidental enema occurs after a falling turd sends a splash of eau de toilette right up your open nipsy. Gullish describes the shrill screech you make which is 98% surprise and 2% pleasure. Gullism can be prevented by laying a pap baffle (two sheets of folded up toilet roll) onto the surface of the water before attempting to send Meatloaf’s daughter to the seaside.

2. (adj): Descriptive of the expression on the face of a man who has realised the “tart” he propositioned in the pub the night before is his new boss

OMG-G-G!

Posted: February 15, 2013 in Humour
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G

(G,g) G is for gonorrhea, which is harder to spell than it is to catch.

 

Gaar (exclam): An expression of extreme frustration when you suddenly get overwhelmed with the need to park your fudge during adverse circumstances – when circling the moon in a spacesuit, when dressed in eighteen layers of thermal clothing in the Antarctic, when halfway up the north face of the Eiger, half way through a marathon with a televised audience of millions or in the middle of receiving a blowjob from a Polish whore in a truckstop to the east of Krakow. At this point you realise that there will have to be some compromise to your state of personal hygiene or a permanent reappraisal of your public image or a brief interruption to your sex-life while you hang your arse out the window of your DAF and hope there’ll be a window-cleaning orphan somewhere near Minsk who’ll be willing to wash it off later for a small remuneration.

Garfleflake (n): a small piece of smegma secreted beneath the foreskin of a male porn star (see also Helmetdale, monk’s chunks, bell-end brie) which pops out and lodges in the tonsils of his leading lady, making her gag at exactly the wrong moment, causing a blowback within the male reproductive organ that often requires surgery and can cause trauma to the actor, often necessitating early retirement.

“What the hell happened to you?”
“Garfleflaked by Linda Lovelace. Tell ya, buddy, instead of coming, I went.”
-reputed dialogue between Russ Meyer and John Holmes, 1989

In 1993, the pornography industry’s health and safety executive called in Professor Gordon Sumner’s research team at the City University of Newcastle upon Tyne to undertake empirical studies into the phenomenon of garfleflaking. Head researcher Dr Darren “Daz the dog” Rimmer spent two years working extensively on the subject in Amsterdam, Los Angeles and the Far East. His findings resulted in the invention of bukkake – the withdrawal of sexual contact at the point of ejaculation (The jester’s toes moment).The leading lady was generally so grateful that she would smile, gurn and give verbal encouragement to the male protagonist to empty his testicles in her general direction. Many viewers of pornography are under the misapprehension that when the leading lady says: “Ooh yeah, baby, give it to me, big boy,” they are acting in such a way that would preclude mainstream Hollywood careers despite the enormity of their breasts, but they fact is that they really mean it.

Garze (n): A fine but prickly material made from glass fibre, designed to line the underpants of the Catholic clergy for the express purpose of limiting activity therein. Due to recent allegations of child abuse, two new grades have been added to the original ‘Super-Garze’ – ‘Bloodbath’ and ‘A&E’. A priest’s stipend now includes a dozen fresh pairs per quarter, some of the pain-inflicting barbs being damaged over time by modern detergents. A team of inspectors has been recruited to police the wearing of these garments, affectionately known as the ‘Spot-check’ Squad. Underwear lined with garze is also used by nuns seeking to toughen their crebbs.

Ginkly (adv): Playfully, with intent to amuse. Example: ‘Ginkly, she hid his cellphone in a pile of his own vomit.’

Glart (vb): To fortuitously pass noxious wind in the presence of your enemy.

Gletch (vb): To look with amorous intent at another man’s testicles.

With so many garrulous Gs to choose from, it is inevitable that a second day of glory will follow. Or you can buy a copy of Hand-Knitted Electricity and gripple at leisure.

Flike?

Posted: February 14, 2013 in Humour
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Hand-Knitted Electricity_Cover_MEDIUMAnother dip into the feast that is F:

Flatmost (adj): Of building conversions, the one which yields the greatest number of compact condominiums

Flattipus (n, zool): A species of mammal specially designed to be roadkill

Flike (vb): To like someone on Facebook. See also Flol, frotfl and fkoff. As in “See that Benedict Cumberbatch? U R wel fit! Flike! C U L8R. Regards, S Fry.”

Foiglee (n): 

1. The recipient of a foigle – an ill-considered and readily broken promise made by a foigler such as “Of course I love you”, “I’ll pay you next week”, “I’ll get the next round” or “go on, love. I won’t come in your mouth.”

2. Someone who takes delight in sending spoof begging emails or Facebook messages with the intention of wrong-footing the recipient into offering a free service. A common ploy is pleading some kind of illness or disability that renders the sender unable to go through the usual channels. Sometimes referred to as emotional blackmail.

Foilmilly 

1. (n): A beautiful damsel who served as a decoy to attract eager medieval knights to the castle tower where another, less attractive, wench had been imprisoned by her despotic relatives. Now obsolete in its original sense, foilmilly refers these days to a type of Bait and Switch.

2. (n, arch): A coy middle-English expression dating back to Shakespearean times and now no longer in use. It simply means an extremely large, erect penis, and is named for the folklore nomenclature of the herb viagra viagris, a contemporary witches’ cure for grumpiness among middle-aged ladies.

Puck (As Oberon’s fool): i’faith sire, just the sight of thy foilmilly
will send young wenches mad and make them silly.

– From early folio editions of A Midsummer Night’s Dream

This line was expunged from the final folio edition after complaints from royalty. The line is actually believed to date back to Shakespeare’s own teenage years before he had honed his art to perfection. In middle age, with a more cynical countenance, Shakespeare altered the line to read: Marry sire, what fools these mortals be.

Frink: 

1. N, Abbr: A fashionable, alcohol-based slush puppy (from frozen + drink)

“Pint of Wifebeater, mate, and could you ask miss barely-legal with the tits over there if she wants a frink?”
– remark attributed to George Galloway whilst visiting the Adult Moods swingers’ club in Glasgow, 2008.

2. (n): A cross-dressing police informant.

Fuckle 

1. (n): A short, involuntary laugh during sex that causes the vaginal muscles to contract, thus unceremoniously ejecting the male member.

2. (n, sl, Manc.): A stupid person. Orig. “he’s a fookin fookle, the cunt.” Liam Gallagher on the subject of his brother, Noel. Or maybe vice versa, nobody cares any more, frankly.

What the F—?

Posted: February 13, 2013 in Humour
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F

(F, f) Is for fuck, felching and fellatio, so it’s no surprise that the letter is the subject of an ongoing ASBO and wears an electronic tag on a permanent basis. Speaking recently, F said “Yo, bruv, innit, like it ain’t my fuckin fault yeah? Every man hate me, they pussy-cute me, ’cept Eminem, he tha man, innit?”

Faldriddle (n): A convoluted tale of local folklore regaled by an eccentric local as a ploy to get the tourist to buy the next round.

Farge:

1. (n): The semi-apocryphal basin-and-range topography featured in Cormac McCarthy novels, where several thunderstorms can be seen occurring at once, views extending 250 miles are not uncommon, switchback trails into Mexican mountains can take several days to ascend and shadows become detached from their sources. Because of this latter phenomenon, the Walt Disney Corporation is suing the Coen Brothers for the plagiarism of ideas from Peter Pan. In a scene from No Country for Old Men which Disney attorneys insisted be deleted, Anton Chigurh is seen being helped to sew his shadow back onto the soles of his feet by a small English girl in a high-waisted nightdress. In return, Chigurh shoots the little girl in the face, but for the rest of the film he is seen repeatedly checking his boots to make sure his shadow is still attached.

2. (n): A natural kiln of dangerous heat – also known as a dutch oven.

The young man was brave indeed, but his courage veered into recklessness when he attempted to rim old Mrs Bates shortly after her morning porridge. His face was farged to such an extent the beauties of the shire could barely regard it without expressing pity or disdain, or most often a cruel combination of the two. 

– From Sense and Sensibilty, Jane Austen

Felze (n): A loud fat blonde who turns up on celebrity reality shows although nobody has heard of her. Urban felzes can also be seen pushing prams towards Greggs.

Fermise 

1 (vb): To use popular culture and the media to help persuade yourself that an opinion you hold is rational. The Daily Mail exists solely to fermise the stupid. See also publicans, off-license managers and tobacconists decrying drug addiction, McDonalds franchisees extolling the virtues of a healthy diet and Coleen Rooney describing herself as “a journalist”.

Psychologists have recognised that antifermisation is a notable part of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). That feeling you get when you suddenly realise that for a short moment you’ve found yourself in agreement with an opinion held by the Daily Mail, Sarah Palin, Iain Duncan-Smith or Jeremy Clarkson, and in consequence feel rather grubby and want to wash your mind out with Cillit Bang and then scrub it with a scourer for about a week. ODD sufferers feel that way about absolutely everything.

2 (vb): To conclude that home brew is ready to drink based on how thirsty you are.

Flaptan (n): An unfortunate consequence of nude sunbathing.

With so many effing Fs to choose from, I will make it a two-day event. If you can’t wait for all the other letters, of which there are a surprising number, you can buy Hand-Knitted Electricity here.

E. By gum!

Posted: February 12, 2013 in Humour
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E

(E,e) A vowel that occurs three times in the word “Cheese”, the letter E has been permanently stymied by this association and the misapprehension that it smells. The letter has attempted suicide on no less than sixteen occasions, and linguistic experts now suggest it be sectioned for its own good and because of the state our language would find itself in without it. As the alphabet’s most popular and most highly paid letter, it is believed that stress has played a great part in E’s situation. Psychiatrists have told E that at least it doesn’t appear in fart, shit or tramp, but it doesn’t seem to do E a lot of good. In a break from tradition, E’s latest analyst has told the letter to “just get the fuck over it.”

Hand-Knitted Electricity_Cover_MEDIUMEbbulence 

1. (n): The act of moving backwards while maintaining a conversation, either through extreme shyness or, more often, the reaction of one party to the other’s invasion of personal space, body odour or foul breath.

2. (n): The feeling of joy one obtains from having a bowel movement after a sustained period of constipation

Eldrable 

1. (n): A self-proclaimed expert who is treated with awe and toe-curling obsequiousness despite knowing a negligible amount about his chosen area of expertise.

2. (n): A board game of words and numbers designed to diagnose dementia in a fun way. The game is rarely completed.

Elther (vb): To feign chummy familiarity with a complete stranger up till you get what you want. Some professions rely on well developed elthering skills, e.g. politicians and used car salesmen. The ability to elther is also part of the wired-in mindset of fucking hippie bastards.

Eltonhurtle (n, sci): The Eltonhurtle, or lividity index (LI), measures the speed at which a human can hurtle from calm to apoplexy when faced with adverse circumstances. Research at the Social Studies Department of the City University of Newcastle upon Tyne suggests that both men and women seek a partner with a slow LI. NHS statistics indicate that managing one’s LI is a vital part of preventing violence and abuse within relationships. Homeopathic remedies, as usual, made fuck all difference, and drugs were considered too expensive for mass consumption. As such, lividity improvement management programmes, or LIMPS, were rolled out as part of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy in order to reduce violence throughout Britain.

To publicise this, the Hurtle Quotient (HQ) of over one thousand British celebrities was measured over thirteen episodes of Britain’s Got Tantrums in 2007. The winning celebrity, the one with the fastest HQ, then had the dubious honour of having the term named after them in recognition of the shortness of their fuse. It is rumoured that the betting industry lost tens of millions of pounds overnight when the favourite won.

Exlaxation 

1 (n): a little-practiced sexual deviation, comprising an excessive intake of laxatives an hour before anal penetration. Not recommended in a confined space.

2 (n, malaprop.): An example of a twenty-first century American malapropism of the type used when people of limited intelligence try to express themselves in medical terminology:

“Bubba ain’t gettin no milk cos I cain’t get a exlaxation like I used to could.”
– LaToyota Rimmer, outpatient at the Watts Breast-Feeding Centre, Los Angeles, November 2009. See also: “Were you wounded in the fracas, Madam?” “Nope, ’bout six inches above it.”