2B or not too B?

Posted: January 25, 2013 in Humour
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Hand-Knitted Electricity_Cover_MEDIUMWe’ll B here all day if I give you them all, so I’ve picked a few of my favourites:

Barracumlately

1. (n): The engineering term used to describe the half mile causeway that connects the Isle of Barra in the Outer Hebrides to its nearest neighbour, South Uist. The causeway, constructed at a cost of £350 million to be water- and windproof, has a cattle grid at each end of it to prevent the inhabitants of Barra (half human, half livestock after generations of girlfriend-shortage) from leaving the island unless they have foot-and-mouth vaccinations and are supervised by a veterinary surgeon and a medical doctor.

2. (n): The official term for a Hollywood matriarch – a cross between a GILF, a cougar and a barracuda – who, rather than act her age, crosses that watershed between flesh and silicone and celebrates the fact by employing her pool cleaner, chauffeur, dog-walker, feng-shui advisor, astrologist and tennis coach to moisten her breasts with seminal fluid on a daily basis until her frontage resembles two shaved coconuts in a tub of cream because Joan Rivers once told her it was good for the skin.

3. (n, prop): A soon-to-be-released record extolling Barack Obama’s sexual prowess, sung to the tune of Ginny Come Lately by the Barrakudos, a group of elderly Democrats, in a bid to boost their candidate’s chances of a second term. Some experts have cast doubt on the wisdom of the project, but Barack Obama himself has been quoted as saying that he admires their spirit and will consider joining the band should he fail to be re-elected. The Barrakudos are believed to be cautiously optimistic.

Baquely (adv): Descriptive of the 1980s accent of Yuppie Britain, now thankfully expired. Sloanes spoke baquely, giving the English language a certain impenetrability:

“Ay, Squiffy, Ay got a brine trite for arind a pind in Tescay’s yesty.”
“Ay, I say, Ay’d get one too, ainly Ay’m orf to Waym.”
“Waym?”
“Waym, yah. Colisseum, Twevi Finetin, say forth.”
“Wussell dwiving you there in the GTi?”
“Nay, in the Pawsh. Nay speed limit on the ortostwada, what?”
“Ay. Lunch then?”
“Lunch, yah. Call you. Ciao, mwah.”

It is believed that this accent was abruptly curtailed, along with three lives, in a Paris underpass on August 31st 1997.

Batfuddock (n, prop): A dark, pungent beer, made by the Billericay Brewery. It was originally the product of a mistake, when sacks of bat guano intended for the farming industry were wrongly labelled as dried hops. The resulting brew was distributed across the area before the error was noticed, to startling effect. If imbibed at the end of a night of heavy drinking, particularly of strong lager or alcopops, the consumer can achieve total evacuation before leaving the premises. A by-law has been imposed in certain areas enforcing the drinking of a pint of Batfuddock (half a pint for the ladies) before hitting the street. In this way, alcohol-based violence has been cut by 90%. While 10% of the population become comatose or die after a pint of the purge, it is generally considered an acceptable sacrifice to keep the streets of Essex safe.

Note: Billericay Brewery has installed Portaloos at regular intervals throughout the towns where this system operates. A small army of lavatory attendants is ‘on call’ at weekends, thus boosting employment in challenged areas.

Bileptic, (adj): The ability to hold two widely differing mindsets at once, and to switch between them depending on the company you’re in. Nick Clegg is a famous sufferer of Bilepsy.

Blagne (n, prop.): A district in Spain where the grapes for tourist wine are grown. Is is said that a Blagne Rioja compares favourably with a Welsh claret.

Blamfist (n, onomat.): The devastation that generally results from Scottish attempts to deep-fry alcohol, which, no matter how destructive, never seems to stop them trying.

Blognast (n): A modern apothegm found in online discussion forums and social networking sites, usually consisting of a re-written philosophical question such as “If a man whispers something in a forest and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?”

Boincept (vb): To score a class-based political own goal when attempting to capture the populist vote on the run-up to an election. Peter Mandelson boincepted a few years ago when attempting to be a man-of-the-people within the boundaries of his constituency which he visited only under strong governmental pressure, preferring to spend his time in Granitas Restaurant or in his London flat. However, just before he lost his seat (in the political sense), Mandelson entered a fish and chip shop believed to be situated “somewhere north of the M25” in the company of reporters. Looking rather lost, he nonetheless managed to order a fish supper, but lost some credibility when he pointed at the mushy peas and asked for “some of that nice guacamole.”

Breere (n): A Latvian cheese made from the ear wax of shepherds

Bremmer (n, prop): A new model of armoured car for the American domestic market, expected to replace the SUV in urban areas within the decade. The car is bulletproof and has the additional feature of rocket-launchers to front and back. The interior can be adapted to make a compact living space complete with survival supplies for the average American family for two days, or anyone else for a month.

Brollet (n, Scot): An umbrella term for the sundry unidentifiable parts of animals found in haggis and ‘Saver’ hamburgers, sausages etc in Farmfoods (formerly the Capital Meat Centre.)

Broole (n): A long wooden stick Highlanders use to stir their septic tank and mutton stew.

Bumtwistle 

1. (n): A Victorian predatory homosexual paedophile who worked specifically within the British education system

2. (n, ornith): A small perching bird, now extinct, which nested in the voluminous undergarments of dowagers

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