Archive for January, 2013

We interrupt these broadcasts…

Posted: January 28, 2013 in News
Honey 27/1/13

Honey 27/1/13

Sorry, folks. Due to current stress over a failing pet – our lovely dog, Honey, aged 18 and a bit – I haven’t the heart to post more at the moment. I know you’re all desperate to know what wonders ‘C’ will reveal but you’ll have to wait. I won’t say, “Back soon”, because you know what that will mean…

C. Uh-oh…

Posted: January 26, 2013 in Humour
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C(C,c) One of the alphabet’s most offensive letters, standing as it does for the C word. The very look of the letter, representing a receptacle on its side, is considered offensive by feminists. Dr Millicent Navratilova, of Oxford University’s Faculty of Lesbians, has campaigned long and hard for its banishment. Professor Gordon Sumner, of the City University of Newcastle upon Tyne’s Social Studies Department, describes Professor Navratilova as “a miserable old unt.”

Cadgiggle (n) [pron: cadge-iggle]: An extreme form of Whendigle; a piece of music used by folk extremists and some terrorist organizations to spread fear and unhappiness throughout civilizations in the western world whilst simultaneously undermining values and cultural standards. Over the last few hundred years, whendigle minstrels throughout the civilized world were summarily executed, so the more extreme cadgiggle existed as little more than underground rumour, emerging in watered-down forms in songs like Sir Patrick Spens and House Carpenter, or as older blues songs in the US. However, the folk boom in the late 50s/early 60s, together with a relaxation in societal values, finally allowed the cadgiggle to surface into the public domain. Woody Guthrie’s This Land is My Land was the first popular example in the US, and the cadgiggle format was subsequently elevated to an art form by Bob Dylan, who mooed out songs like Masters of War, The Gates of Eden and It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue for several years. Warrants for Dylan’s execution were quashed in 1967 by the Supreme Court after the botched motorcycle assassination attempt by the CIA, despite the extreme cadgiggle Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands which ended Blonde on Blonde and destroyed Dylan’s reputation forever even before he went country.

Caltic (adj): Having Irish blood at some distant point in the family history. Used as an explanation for everything from red hair to behaving like a dickhead.

Carlegious (adj. relig.): Of, or pertaining to, the perfect shade of red sought by Catholic clergy for the linings of their robes and the velvet altars of their churches to set off all the gold stuff. Until recently it was deemed that a properly carlegious lining could only be obtained from the world’s only consecrated robe-shop, Our Lady of the Immaculate Lining, a small boutique in a side alley off St Peter’s Square in the Vatican City. However, the recent Dan Brown thriller The Last Popess has led to questions being asked in higher echelons of the church after it was revealed in the novel that firstly the robe shop was blessed by accident because the pope was confused by either dementia or communion wine and had pointed his bless-y thing the wrong way, and secondly that the pope in question was not only in fact a woman but the last surviving descendant of Cleopatra. If true, this will mean that instead of spending $1,000 per square inch on carlegious linings, the clergy will be able to pick up material from branches of Remnant City and spend the difference on choirboys and beer.

Hand-Knitted Electricity – the ultimate educational tool.

2B or not too B?

Posted: January 25, 2013 in Humour
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Hand-Knitted Electricity_Cover_MEDIUMWe’ll B here all day if I give you them all, so I’ve picked a few of my favourites:


1. (n): The engineering term used to describe the half mile causeway that connects the Isle of Barra in the Outer Hebrides to its nearest neighbour, South Uist. The causeway, constructed at a cost of £350 million to be water- and windproof, has a cattle grid at each end of it to prevent the inhabitants of Barra (half human, half livestock after generations of girlfriend-shortage) from leaving the island unless they have foot-and-mouth vaccinations and are supervised by a veterinary surgeon and a medical doctor.

2. (n): The official term for a Hollywood matriarch – a cross between a GILF, a cougar and a barracuda – who, rather than act her age, crosses that watershed between flesh and silicone and celebrates the fact by employing her pool cleaner, chauffeur, dog-walker, feng-shui advisor, astrologist and tennis coach to moisten her breasts with seminal fluid on a daily basis until her frontage resembles two shaved coconuts in a tub of cream because Joan Rivers once told her it was good for the skin.

3. (n, prop): A soon-to-be-released record extolling Barack Obama’s sexual prowess, sung to the tune of Ginny Come Lately by the Barrakudos, a group of elderly Democrats, in a bid to boost their candidate’s chances of a second term. Some experts have cast doubt on the wisdom of the project, but Barack Obama himself has been quoted as saying that he admires their spirit and will consider joining the band should he fail to be re-elected. The Barrakudos are believed to be cautiously optimistic.

Baquely (adv): Descriptive of the 1980s accent of Yuppie Britain, now thankfully expired. Sloanes spoke baquely, giving the English language a certain impenetrability:

“Ay, Squiffy, Ay got a brine trite for arind a pind in Tescay’s yesty.”
“Ay, I say, Ay’d get one too, ainly Ay’m orf to Waym.”
“Waym, yah. Colisseum, Twevi Finetin, say forth.”
“Wussell dwiving you there in the GTi?”
“Nay, in the Pawsh. Nay speed limit on the ortostwada, what?”
“Ay. Lunch then?”
“Lunch, yah. Call you. Ciao, mwah.”

It is believed that this accent was abruptly curtailed, along with three lives, in a Paris underpass on August 31st 1997.

Batfuddock (n, prop): A dark, pungent beer, made by the Billericay Brewery. It was originally the product of a mistake, when sacks of bat guano intended for the farming industry were wrongly labelled as dried hops. The resulting brew was distributed across the area before the error was noticed, to startling effect. If imbibed at the end of a night of heavy drinking, particularly of strong lager or alcopops, the consumer can achieve total evacuation before leaving the premises. A by-law has been imposed in certain areas enforcing the drinking of a pint of Batfuddock (half a pint for the ladies) before hitting the street. In this way, alcohol-based violence has been cut by 90%. While 10% of the population become comatose or die after a pint of the purge, it is generally considered an acceptable sacrifice to keep the streets of Essex safe.

Note: Billericay Brewery has installed Portaloos at regular intervals throughout the towns where this system operates. A small army of lavatory attendants is ‘on call’ at weekends, thus boosting employment in challenged areas.

Bileptic, (adj): The ability to hold two widely differing mindsets at once, and to switch between them depending on the company you’re in. Nick Clegg is a famous sufferer of Bilepsy.

Blagne (n, prop.): A district in Spain where the grapes for tourist wine are grown. Is is said that a Blagne Rioja compares favourably with a Welsh claret.

Blamfist (n, onomat.): The devastation that generally results from Scottish attempts to deep-fry alcohol, which, no matter how destructive, never seems to stop them trying.

Blognast (n): A modern apothegm found in online discussion forums and social networking sites, usually consisting of a re-written philosophical question such as “If a man whispers something in a forest and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?”

Boincept (vb): To score a class-based political own goal when attempting to capture the populist vote on the run-up to an election. Peter Mandelson boincepted a few years ago when attempting to be a man-of-the-people within the boundaries of his constituency which he visited only under strong governmental pressure, preferring to spend his time in Granitas Restaurant or in his London flat. However, just before he lost his seat (in the political sense), Mandelson entered a fish and chip shop believed to be situated “somewhere north of the M25” in the company of reporters. Looking rather lost, he nonetheless managed to order a fish supper, but lost some credibility when he pointed at the mushy peas and asked for “some of that nice guacamole.”

Breere (n): A Latvian cheese made from the ear wax of shepherds

Bremmer (n, prop): A new model of armoured car for the American domestic market, expected to replace the SUV in urban areas within the decade. The car is bulletproof and has the additional feature of rocket-launchers to front and back. The interior can be adapted to make a compact living space complete with survival supplies for the average American family for two days, or anyone else for a month.

Brollet (n, Scot): An umbrella term for the sundry unidentifiable parts of animals found in haggis and ‘Saver’ hamburgers, sausages etc in Farmfoods (formerly the Capital Meat Centre.)

Broole (n): A long wooden stick Highlanders use to stir their septic tank and mutton stew.


1. (n): A Victorian predatory homosexual paedophile who worked specifically within the British education system

2. (n, ornith): A small perching bird, now extinct, which nested in the voluminous undergarments of dowagers

B is for…

Posted: January 24, 2013 in Humour
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B(B,b) A wonderful letter which not only stands for bosoms and breasts but in its capital form actually looks like a whopping great big set of charlies seen from above (or if you’re really lucky, below). As such, there is a movement within the Puritan Society to replace it with an X, especially within the field of children’s fiction. The estate of the late author Enid Xlyton is said to be opposed to the idea, as are the descendents of Xeatrix Potter, creator of Xenjamin Xunny.


1. (n, prop): More commonly referred to as Badgast the Pink, Badgast was a wizard who featured in early drafts of JRR Tolkein’s Lord of the Rings. The character was written out at the insistence of Tolkein’s publishers in 1952, although it is considered by Tolkein scholars that parts of Badgast’s character later surfaced in Gandalf, who wore white or silver robes that bore magical protection enabling them to stay Daz-white in Middle Earth conditions that often resembled Glastonbury Festival in the rain. Gandalf was fond of elves, befriended young male hobbits under the age of 33 (The Shire’s age of consent), owned Shadowfax the Wonder Horse, the ponciest horse in the whole of Gondor, used Timotei shampoo under waterfalls and was not the marrying kind because he’d never found the right girl. Later editions of the Sellamillion, discovered after Tolkein’s death by his son Christopher, revealed that after Bilbo and Frodo had sailed off from the Grey Havens, Gandalf set up home with a Balrog with whom he had struck up a mutually dependant relationship in the mines of Moria.

2. (n): A guest at a social function who turns up inappropriately dressed or otherwise out of place, eg a woman arriving at an orgy wearing a bridesmaid’s dress, or a bishop at a stag party.

Hand-Knitted Electricity – more Bs than you can shake a stick at.


Hand-Knitted Electricity_Cover_MEDIUMAdvexiquatiousness (n): The frustration felt by American rounders players (or the padded participants of that funny rugby thing played on stripy pitches where everyone looks like Mr Blobby on steroids) when they have to stop playing every ten minutes so that we can have a word from our sponsors, Exxon or Starbucks or the Coca-Cola company.

Apocaplectic (adj): Really upset about the end of the world.

Ardfast (n): a lover of the wham, bam, thank you, ma’am variety. …and therefore descriptive of a situation in which a gentleman whips out and blows his mess all over the duvet, wipes his dick on the curtains, says “Money’s on the bedside table, love” and is halfway down the stairs before he remembers that he’s actually at home and that was his wife.

Arlitce (n): A pre-Murdoch Guardian compositor, attempting to arrange the word article in print blocks whilst labouring under the extreme influence of a four-hour lunchbreak consisting of Watney’s Red Barrel and pork scratchings. See also Itampront. Same compositor, different word.

…a very good place to start…

Posted: January 22, 2013 in Humour
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Warning: if you’re easily offended, and believe that toilet humour belongs in the toilet, please look away now. PC this is not!A(A,a) The first letter of the alphabet, and also a word in its own right, thereby making it one of the world’s most popular letters. A is usually turned into an when faced with a word that starts with a vowel, unless you’re a American author who’s been chased into a alley by a alligator. A is widely used throughout the civilized world but due its identity as a vowel it is generally eschewed by the Welsh.

Activomit (n, sci.): A scientific term used within the gastro-intestinal fraternity to describe a new form of sick which, because it hasn’t been in the stomach for very long, contains l. cassei immunitas, and is thus still beneficial if scraped, licked or sucked from the surface upon which it landed, and imbibed immediately. Danone will soon be marketing this as Neapolitan Yogurt®.

See also Alcopuke, a pile of Saturday night tramp’s breakfast, docker’s omelette or pavement pizza which still has a measurable alcoholic proof percentage, and may therefore be appreciated by the truly desperate after closing time – perhaps more so if the lumps of kebab are removed first.

 Hand-Knitted Electricity over 200 pages of  filth.

Let’s start at the very beginning…

Posted: January 21, 2013 in Humour

An Introduction 
Hand-Knitted Elect_003_0001
Kniddle (n):
A miniature generator turbine, usually sold in pairs and attached to the knitting needles of little old ladies and then plugged into the national grid via a domestic plug socket, enabling grandmothers to provide the nation with a source of renewable power when knitting horrid sweaters in a snowflake pattern with arms of unequal length.

Prime Minister David Cameron welcomed the new initiative with a public speech extolling the productivity of Britain’s little old ladies – adding that the production of electricity will henceforth be classified as “work”, removing thousands of senior citizens from benefit entitlement and allowing them to “feel better about themselves”. The Green Party is “cautiously optimistic” about the idea, as the kniddles can be passed on to other family members when the time comes, and the energy comes from an environmentally sound source. Scientists say that each little old lady will be monitored and shocks of increasing severity can be passed back down the current to them if their productivity begins to flag. The cost of the shocks will be reflected in the family electricity bill, and should the shock prove fatal, the kniddles can be collected and passed on quite rapidly. Speaking today, the Prime Minister said he was only sorry that the older members of his own family were unable to take part due to their status as overseas residents in his second house in Tuscany, but Mr Cameron promised that the elderly members of Nick Clegg’s family would be put to work with immediate effect. The new “hand-knitted electricity” project will be promoted by free kniddles, given away with the Sunday Mail from now and for evermore.

Post Apocalypse

Posted: January 20, 2013 in News
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Having only just emerged from my bunker, I discovered we are still here and that it is snowing. The world looks pure and clean, which made me wonder if I have gone somewhere else after all. I switched on the radio and was instantly disabused of that rather sweet notion. Ah well… maybe next time.

I lied. I did Christmas and New Year and kissed loads of sweaty friends at a brilliant NYE dance as usual. But just before I got sweaty, I did something I had vowed not to do again for a while. I dashed off a piece of flash fiction and sent it to Flash500. It seemed plain wrong to let the deadline go by and there was this story niggling away at me and I know it’s not perfect yet but I just had to get it off my chest. Therapy, as it were.

So much for my resolution to stop producing very short fiction and go for the novel, but I have done my damnedest to force my brain in that direction and it simply refuses to go. Instead, it has derailed my efforts by throwing a dozen viable ideas for flash fiction across my path and, in the end, I succumbed. Am I ashamed? A bit.

Anyway, I kicked off my new year’s lack of resolution by supporting my friend Jo Reed’s first venture into organising writer events in Bristol. Two writing groups – Southville Writers and New and Emerging Bristol Writers – came together in The Hare pub to read their 250-word flashes, write haikus and generally have a good time. It was a great evening and everyone was filled with the rosy glow of achievement, which was very well-deserved. It should go from strength to strength if the first event was anything to go by.

Hand-Knitted Electricity_Cover_MEDIUMStarting tomorrow, I have decided to blog a daily excerpt from Hand-Knitted Electricity (a book that evolved from a game of inventing new words and their definitions in the Bookshed, as outlined in Warning: Contains Offensive Material by shyboots, Perry Iles) in the hope that it will tickle the ribs of all who read them, and increase our sales by a few million. As ever, all comments and complaints will be welcome. I hope you enjoy them.

And a belated Happy New Year!