A Royal Flash

Posted: June 8, 2012 in Flash Fiction
Tags: , , , ,

This week I entered the monthly competition run by an online writer’s group, on the unseasonal theme of A Royal Christmas, and got a ‘Commended’ for my 250-word piece. In celebration of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee (which I managed to avoid completely) and since I’m unlikely to find a market for this cynical little tale, I thought I’d put it up here. I hope it makes you chuckle.

Warning: Do Not Read if you think criticism of the royal family is unpatriotic. I’d hate to offend anyone!

The Royal Presents

“Come in, Charles. Sit down.”

“It wasn’t me that cheeked Nanny. Honest, Ma, it was Andrew.”

“We’ll speak to him later. Meanwhile we want to discuss your letter to Santa.”

“I’ve asked for a new video game called Pac-man. Farty Fawcett says it’s fab!”

“Charlie dear, much as we’d like you to stay our baby forever, you need to grow up, at least in public.”

“Why, Ma?”

“People are starting to talk. It’s time you got married and had an heir.”

“Cripes! What will Cammy say? You know how scary she can be.”

“She needn’t worry, son. You won’t have to do the nasty. They can work wonders with test tubes these days.”

“But Ma—”

“Don’t whine, Charles. We’ve chosen a nice, quiet girl; distant cousin…virgin…likes children. She’s a bit like Camilla, but not so—”



“Damn! I thought that might be a problem, sooner or later.”

“Yes, marriage is an awful bind, but you must think of England.”

“Look, Ma, if I agree to marry Cousin — what’s her name?”


“Right. If I agree, can I have Pac-man too? I’ll need something to do on my honeymoon.”

“Do as we say and we’ll have a word with Santa.”


“Once Diana’s popped out an heir, and a spare, we can pack her off to the country and everything will go back to normal. Deal?”


“It’s not as though she’ll cause any trouble. Shy little Di wouldn’t say boo to a goose!”

  1. Haha! Fly on the wall stuff, eh? There goes your damehood.

  2. patti says:

    Good one, Sue!

  3. Wendy says:

    I like it. Thanks :))

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